Love Like A Hurricane

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me

I am in love, I am in shock, I am passionate, I am a wreck, I am a mother, I desperate for comfort.

Here is my birth story. Hard- True-Raw-Painful-Ending with love like a hurricane & the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, touched, or known. 

As everyone knows I was scheduled to be induced via pitocin on Monday morning at 12am. (sunday night at midnight). Obviously super nervous about induction & I was back & forth on if I was making the correct decision to have this done -or if I should fight the doctor & push for my last date to go past 42 weeks rather than my first. So since I was extremely worked up on Sunday night -Nate and I go not go sleep at 5pm-11pm like we had planned before heading to the hospital. So I laid there crying with paniced tears hoping I was doing the right thing for the safety of me & my child. We got up & just made ourselves do it. Heading to the hospital I just gave all the fear that I could up again & sang a few worship songs. We check in easily & headed to my impending doom…. Lol.

LOTS of paperwork , two blown veins, & one exam (showing still no progression past 1 cm - 80% - station 0) just like the past three weeks) later we started the pitocin around 2am. The nurse said I was actually having contractions but they were so mild I didn’t ever feel them. But they were there. That made me feel better… like “great! My body already started it just needs a little help to progress.” So Nate & I started to relax. He had this flipping awesome chair that like vibrated & heated up  & laid out to a pretty decent sleeping place!  It was totally way more cool than my bed. Lol.

So we rested without real sleep for a few hours before I started to actually understand the contractions & what they felt like.  We decided to get out of bed because they had become uncomfortable & walking would be a good idea. They started to hurt I think sometime around 430 am. I remember thinking OH now I understand how a tightening uterus can hurt… that was very hard for me to understand before that.

So we trolled the hallways a few hours- we were the creepy people stopping conspicuously by the nursery a BILLION times to stare at strangers babies while I had tears in my eyes thinking that this was all going to be worth it very soon!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loved looking at them & having a contraction waive at the same time. Imagining my cute baby & relaxing him out into my arms…. talk about motivation . Soon enough we called our friend Jessica- my doula- because they were getting pretty stinking intense. Now I’m not sure when Jessica got there but I tried the birthing ball, walking, kneeling, etc… let me tell you contractions just hurt in any position. I remember at one point making Jessica laugh as I looked around panicked and stated “ I’m just trying to figure out what position to get in so they don’t hurt… “ lol. I was convinced there must be some magic way. Hahahah. Desperate times….

Around 10 am I was laying in bed for my first exam to see if any progression started & NOTHING. UGGG. Also very painful to labor in bed… I complained… no wonder everyone gets an epidural… OUCH. How can anyone do that?????????? The exam showed nothing & my midwife said she’d come back later. But my contractions were looking good & rhythmic. I staying in bed about an hour because I figured out if I put tennis balls under my lower back that t felt pretty good on that specific pain. I decided to get up when the nurse told me my dad was there to say hello. I got up & BAM I leaked all over the bed!!!!!! I was super giddy and said MY WATER BROKE!!!!!!! I mean it was a big old gush. Lol. Then she went & got a strip to test it… but then she told me no…. just pee????? I SERIOUSLY PEED MYSELF? Really??????? How does that happen? I’ve peed myself before laughing & it doesn’t feel like that.

Anyways I headed to the bathroom & lost more! I also started noticing dark blood looking stuff? They said it’s normal & we ignored it all. Someone stated it might just be a high leak?

So labor labor labor labor labor INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE hours hours hours hours

OUCH! Pretty worn out with LONG contractions, brief periods in between & no pain meds was getting to me.

After my next exam my midwife decided I was exhausted after laboring without sleep & sill 0 progression that I should go off the pit & take a sleeping pill, and go to bed…. Start again in the morning. HOW DEPRESSING! But I was in so much pain& the only other option was to officially break my water & make all hell break loose- I just knew I couldn’t do it. So we stopped the pit at 630 & I contracted until 830. Around 830-930 they slowed down & then It was a stressful time to make decisions yet again…. I had choices.  My midwife wanted me to get up at 4 am & take cydotek ( An off label used drug for abortions. Lost of people use it to induce & sometimes it works quite well. But there are a lot of dangerous & very possible scary side effects. Without pain meds I knew that I could handle the pitocin but who knows about a whole new drug? Or I could get up at 6am & just start ALL OVER????? Just turn on the pitocin & go at it. Other options would be break my water after a few hours of that & other things. OR the scary part is I could refuse everything say the hell with this & go home because my body just isn’t ready for this. Wait a few days & come back on Friday on my 2 weeks & hope it kicked in on its own….

After many tears I decided against the cydotec & yes to the pitocin & breaking water next day. So I took the sleeping pills & AHHHHHHHHHH I passed out exhausted. I did wake up a few times with contractions & it was hard to sleep with continuous belly monitoring & iv’s sticking out (They still had me on the iv fluids to keep my body flushed).

But I made it & 6 am rolled around & I felt much better. I was already having slight contractions but I took a shower & Nate dried my hair & made myself pretty again while they started the pit. Good timing because right as my clothes were on they started to be SUPER painful again! WOWSA. It would be hours before I cared what I looked like again! Lol.

Worse & worse I labored all morning. Somewhere around 10 my midwife came in & checked me – still NOTHING!!!!!!! ARGGG. With paniced tears & super high anxiety (I’d heard it was SUPER painful) I allowed her to break my water in hopes that the babies head would drop further into the birth canal and onto my cervix forcing it open with contractions. OMG that’s just what it did (except for the openening part…)

Ummmmmmmmm the contractions following in less than 5 minutes were WORST PAIN IN MY LIFE I started the vocal moaning. Moaning turned to screaming, screaming turned to crying, crying turned to screaming, screaming tears turned to begging for the epidural. Lol. I did last almost 5 hours in the WRETCHED condition that should not be allowed to exsist. I kept moaning I want to die… over & over again. I tried the shower (nate is AMAZING & got in there with me to hold all my medical junk I was toting around) then this most FANTASTIC nurse I had named Erica rescued me in there for awhile. She let me hold her hand through the waves & squeeze. I’m pretty sure I broke her hand. She was the most comforting, loving, gracious, encouraging, uplifting, beautiful nurse I’ve ever met. A personality like Danielle &  face just like Robin I was in love with her. I just kept calling her “my robin” and laughing about how I got to have Robin around for my birth. Lol.

I tried the tub after the shower to no avail. We checked me one more time & I still had not progressed AT ALL> That was it. I just couldn’t do it anymore. With tears in my eyes I begged for the epidural or death. One or the other- this existence was not acceptable.

So of course it took FOREVER for the anithetiaoist to get there. After all the stories of them hounding the hallways preying on unsusceptible mothers waiting to administer drugs- well I sure as hell thought they’d get their butts up there to save me much quicker. By this time I’m shaking through the pain just barely holding onto reality. Forget trying to relax through them. After what seemed like forever he was there. Also not very nice- one of the guys who had basically molested my arm with a needle trying to get like the 3^rd line in. I’m like seriously??????????????????????????

I had to sit on the edge of bed (btw sitting is a death wish it hurts so bad during a contraction not made for labor!) I had to then hold myself STILL while I contacted for him to do this. I have no flipping clue how I got through this. But I did & they laid me back & the contractions started to over time subside in pain. AHHHHHHHHHHH sweet sweet sweet relief!

I slept.

I woke up in trembles about an hour later just FREEZING to death. I had laid down with my sports bra on still & it was wet (nate had begged me to take if off before laying down but I was in so much pain I said I didn’t care) well I cared cause I made them cut it off me… hahah. It didn’t help. I was still freezing. 6 blankets &  a hair dryer later they were turning more into mini seizures that  I couldn’t control. It was pretty scary. Erica (robin) checked my temp & blood pressure a lot but I seemed Ok. Then Suddenly like wink of an eye I was not OK.

My temp went to 104 & my babies heart rate went off the charts around 200 & did what they called flatlining… (not dead but not moving or responding to stimulous & the little sqigglelines didn’t vary)

Erica got my midwife in there in minutes & they were leaning over saying we are so sorry sorry sorry but we’ve got to get the baby out. You are both sick. You have an infection. It’s an emergency.

So with sudden peace in my heart I said ok lets do this! (I had always kinda known it would end this way) Everything had gone wrong the whole pregnancy. Lol. What is one more blip on the way? Still gonna trust God. Still going to have a BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

Nate was the best. Grabbed the camera, got in scrubs (he’s a cutie in scrubs), grapped a smile  & a hand of strength & we headed in 8 min later. Another 10 min later I was getting a baby ripped out of my uterus! HOLY FAST BATMAN! I worshiped  prayed over my baby while they did everything. I smiled & faced this with courage because the Lord had given me strength.

Because of my crazy pain-med free labor & calm in this storm- Everyone was calling me Zena warrior princess. Hahaha. I loved it.

Strangest sensation ever having a baby tugged out of you by the way. It didn’t hurt but it sure made me feel weird. Then I heard the best sound in my life.

 “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” “He’s a biter.” “I like them feisty”

It was all I could do to maintain the joy spreading through me like wildfire.

I loved his cries. Nate is like beaming like the moon. He headed over the warmer. I'm asking " is he whole? Is he Healthy? Does he have two eyes?" lol. Sadly they couldn’t put him on my chest because he had decided to eat a weeks worth of meconium & was in danger. Nate said it took forever to get it all outta there.

Eventually they brought him over to my face & I got to see him & kiss him. Maybe the best moment of my life.
I wanted to hold him so bad but I couldn’t. So Nate went straight to the nicu with him to handle all the details & Jessica dove in like a true friend to sustain me & my confusion & weird body feelings.

Its’ all a pretty big blur from this point but I remember blips.

Vomitting into a little pink bin. 

Muteness. 

Feeling like my lungs were collapsing, 

getting an oxygen mask, 

begging for ice one chip at a time of relief, 

entire body fuzzyness, 

in and out of fatigued head moments, 

wondering where my baby was but feeling peace that he was with daddy, 

longing for him, 

wanting to find my phone to call my parents, 

wheeling down the hall now loaded with like 50 people & some little tune they announced was for me to congratulate my birth (the hospital because like a birthing club- every labor & delivery room FULL- overflow in the halls- apparently MAYDAY was the day to have a baby!) 

stopping at the NICU because I was begging to see my baby.

Putting my arm out into his warmer , onto his skin, feeling his flesh against mine, feeling sadly disconnected & confused. 

Wheeling to my new room, getting dragged & pushed around like a piece of meat from one bed to the next. Intense pain searing through my body, 

begging for pain meds, 

asking over & over why it hurt so bad, 

asking for my baby, 

and really nothing else.

Things that I don’t remember but saw photos of to confirm- 

skin to skin with my baby just 2 hours after birth!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in love with my baby! I am in love with his smell. I am in love with his eyes, his ears, his toes, his fingers, his nose, his chubby cheeks, his dark hair, his soft skin, his cries, his breath, HIM! I'm in love with him & I'm even more in love with my husband.

It was all worth it. I think I will be insane and do it all over again. Love is truely like a hurricane.

--------So I’m going to end this portion of my story here. It is going to take several more days or weeks to go over & even remember what happened after all this insanity. The storm continues to rage for our little family. We are still fighting & making very hard parent choices....