Those Who Trust

So today I've been seriously wrestling with this impending induction. I know a lot of people don't think it's a big deal..(it's probably a healthier perspective based on trust.. that I lack...lol). So it's really a big deal for this little lady. I looked up a LOT more information on inductions with pictocin & had a complete meltdown today crying my eyes out that no matter what an induced birth just isn't the same as a natural one. My chances of c-sections go up drastically, my chances of needing pain meds also go up dramatically.

So after my break down I had a heart to heart with God. Which is something I've been shy of doing lately.  

For those of you that know me well, know that I really struggle with one big thing in my faith. I just don't believe in the depth of my heart that my God loves me & wants what is best for me at all. I think He wants what is best for Him. I mean if I'm a "christian"- systematic theology teaches me that we are here for His purpose & glory & not ours.... but in believing this in a somewhat ignorant & diluted way I think I just completely miss out on all the beauty & complexity---

that His glory is often brought through our joy & success. I mean I miss the whole point that He has joy when we have joy, He rejoices when we rejoice.... I mean He dances over us! He knits us together in the womb, He knows us before we are born, He has plans for us, He loved us first... then we loved Him, He died for our salvation from a broken world. He died to give us hope & a future. He cares for us deeply. We bring him a joy, we are his ultimate creation, we are his loved ones! We are important to him. We are his children... something I'm about to understand for the first time in my life.
I really hope that becoming a parent will finally help me understand that my joy will be so deeply intertwined with my children & their joy & success. I will be happy when they are happy!

So all these beautiful things about God often get passed up by my broken heart. I have not (like most of us) had life go exactly according to my plan & what I would consider safe & beautiful really.... but in all reality my vision is REALLY limited because it's truly beautiful on the other side of my troubled youth & it's really amazing & glorious!

There has been amazing redeption in my life more that I think many will ever experience. I've truly become fully alive in my relationship with  a living God.

I have this amazing husband that loves me, is super hilarious & comedic- he makes me laugh, he is strong in mind & body, SUPER sexy, loving, a hard worker, committed to the same God & faith, not to mention he is a totally cool hipster & fantastic dresser... he is build of great character & I am madly in love with him & him with me.

I have this baby in my womb -when at one point I never thought I could actually have life within me.

I'm free from my past & the mistakes I have made. No regrets because they are gone forever. I am not accountable for them anymore. I am a new person. Freedom in the rawest form.

I am blessed with pretty much the very best friends a girl could ask for. Loyal, committed, encouraging, understanding, generous, loving, & beyond.

My life is beautiful... so why do I still struggle to trust God at all.... It's because I don't believe He cares for me. His idea of good & glory are so much different than mine. So I refuse to give up control. So today as I read birth stories- good & bad alike.. I finally did something I don't know that I've done since I choose to believe in this Jesus...

I told him I was done controlling my life...

I asked one last time/begged one last time for him to bless me with going into labor all on my own today or tomorrow. Then I told him that even if it didn't happen I was going to make a conscious decision to lay everything down & trust him. I am choosing believe that He loves me & wants to bless me. That no matter what happens... well it happens for a reason & later I'll understand. Even if later is the afterlife. I'll believe he is there, I'll believe he is for me. Even if I don't feel that way. Even if it's not my plan. I suppose that is faith in it's truest form... believing in something you can not see, feel, or even understand. blind. simple. pure.

So here I am before the God of the universe,, the God that loves me, the God that is for me, the God that died to connect with me, the God that knit mateo together in my womb, the God that has a new name for me, nate, & mateo someday. the God I have chosen freely to believe in, the God I love. My God. I will trust in Him.