Judge Not

Judge not lest ye be judged { by your own crazy self}

So first due date came & went.... last monday the 16th. You know the one you give yourself after figuring out when your last period was. Then around 13 weeks they give you a sonogram & "date" the baby to conception. Yeah it's pretty amazing they can do that! Sad for me cause they pushed back my date 4 days. UGGGG seriously you don't think it sounds like a big deal but wait until you are pregnant & anxiously awaiting every sign, symptom, and sweet baby cheeks in your arms!
So Friday April 20th was determined my new date! 4-20. Oh yes. lol Hitlers birthday & pot awareness day or something.

From the moment we decided to pursue a family & I got pregnant, I decided to educate myself the best I could on the in's & outs of pregnancy & conception. Medically & naturally minded. I'm a very in-between kinda gal. Not much trust for the medical field - not because I think it's altogether bad or wicked or anything but simply because I think it's very manipulated, financially, & pharmaceutically driven with low regard for the miracle of the body! I do not think however that it doesn't change lives, save lives, & show the AMAZING intelligence of the human mind! Wow what we have discovered & made possible! It's beautiful & a great display of God's work in us & the way he made us intelligently & I think he desires for us to grow & learn & create like him! Also not a full trust in many of the naturally minded groups or extremists... because of just that. It seems that a lot of people on the fringe are much more than that... they are "usually" extremists & they think the medical field is completely evil & out to get us. It's conspiracy theorists all the way! lol. So there is a lot of judgement flying around on both sides.

So here is where I stand....(& I'm so fortunate to have found friends that are right here with me)

I think that Jesus speaks a LOT about moderation when it comes to everything. Christianity-wise I'm not a legalist & I probably do shamefully sway to the side of license with my faith (as far as my actions go) now my heart is another matter. (yes-yes I'm aware that the heart is the wellspring of life & my actions show my heart and all that jazz) but I also recently heard an AMAZING talk on how our hearts might desire truth but we find it so hard to live by because our flesh is weak. So that struggle finally makes sense to me! But that is neither here nor there & I'm getting off subject- because my brain cells are basically gone at this point.... lol.

So navigating the system with a healthy balance between the medical field & the naturally minded community is much MUCH harder than you would imagine. It's like walking a tightrope while everyone around you has an opinion on what is right & what is wrong. Information is thrown all over the place with biased options on both sides. Some correct & some plain -well inconsistent & based on non-truth.

So here I am walking my pregnant tightrope & coming up with my own biased & opinionated ideas- of course done with min research in some areas & lots in others. Mostly I end up confused. lol. But I still come out the other end with consideration, prayer, & a lot of faith that I'm just trying to do what I believe to be the best thing for my family & my babe. I've had to research & study many things from separating old wives tales of how to get pregnant, to what sort of drugs I can rely on to help me through issues in the pregnancy, cloth diapering vs disposables, to vaccinations! Let me tell you mama's it's a tough ride.

One thing that I was pretty advertent to was the idea of induction & scheduled c-sections. After reading a lot about the necessity for these things sometimes-I discovered that the medical field here in the US will often push mothers to these options for things that are actually extremely rare (and yes that data can be proved with percentages & reports- go read about it! The numbers are scary). That makes me very sad that natural childbirth is such a thing of the past in our society. It's also VERY discouraging when I tell people my plan to go natural & they scoff & say oh that will go out the window once labor starts... NOT COOL people. Women have been doing this forever & only recently has the "need" for pain medication come into the picture. Ask your mother... bet she did it all natural. Look at the statistics today verses just 30 years ago....

But lets just be honest for a second... here I am at 41 weeks pregnant & just DYING. I mean seriously I didn't know the agony before now. lol. I'm gaint. Like a whale, I can't breath when I lay down, stretch marks are searing across my belly (just in the last week) they itch, burn, & constant actually hurt! I burp up acid all the time, I can't sleep more than an hour stretch, I'm so heavy it hurts to walk up the stairs... heck it hurts to walk anywhere.... the head & backaches are almost unbearable... And now the topping on the cake is that my midwife & doula whom both I just LOVE & trust with my birth... yeah they are BOTH gone tomorrow! I'm shivering in my pants! SERIOUSLY?????? after all this judging of all the ladies who schedule their induction just so their doctor is there... well I'm starting to understand! I'm terrified that they are going to both be gone when I have this baby & then I'll end up with a doctor who lies to me if I'm in labor "too" long that I need this drug, or that process. My advocates for this natural birth I have planned are leaving me!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH

I no longer can judge those ladies. I shouldn't have judged in the first place! I mean what do I know about how much research they have done? What do I know about their heart? What do I know about what's REALLY going on inside? Besides... its' every women's choice. Of course I still think that it's amazing, loving, & helpful to continue to LOVINGLY educate women to their rights & their choices.... but judgement is NEVER the way.

 I mean if I were to get induced today...could I have my excellent birth still? I could maybe do it naturally????? These thoughts are soaring through my brain. If I got induced now or at 42 weeks when this little bugger still hasn't show up would it make a difference? I mean if I did it now or had to do it then what have I proved? I mean maybe i'll have to be induced at 42 weeks for serious health reasons like him swallowing his first poo in utero, or losing amniotic fluid that he needs, or the placenta deteriorating... serious health concerns that our amazing medical field can look for & rescue our babies from. If I did it now I'd save myself birthing this every growing GIANT baby! lol.
Of course since I have done the research I know that if I did get induced the probability of a c sections goes up a TON! lol. so of course I refuse to give into my fears & turn to Jesus for help! I tried begging & pleading with him to let the baby come last night or today... but no avail... lol. Not his plans I guess.

My friend molly told me the other day that I should try to trust that He is going to care for me. But I really don't feel like I believe that. I mean my idea of caring for me in my life has seemed so much different to Him.... How can I trust something that doesn't really work that way?

So here I am trying to trust no longer judging other mama's. Really i'm jealous of them.. haha. I am trying to trust that I can have a natural birth with or without my midwife & doula. Maybe God wants to show me how much He cares for me & is going to have my baby come specifically tomorrow & let me do it all natural & have a positive birth experience without the humans that I trust much more than Him?

So judge not tracy... trust & love rather....
I mean if I REALLY cared about women's rights & educating others about birth... well I'd do something about it. RIGHT?

Please don't comment on this post if you don't have anything loving & non confrontational to say. I do not want my blog to become a forum where we all battle out our opinions on medical vs natural. Rather lets find beautiful ground to stand together & united on! Let's LOVE!

Oh and looks at my super cute 41st week belly bursting with LIFE!