This Is My Story | This is My Song

This is my story

this is my song

praising my savior

all the day long

2. Perfect submission, all is at rest,
   I in my Savior am happy and blest,
   Watching and waiting, looking above,
   Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

This is my story

this is my song

praising my savior

all the day long

I've sung this song a thousand times this last week in a stupor of sadness & tears pouring down my cheeks & falling on my precious baby's face... trusting that Jesus is my rest, He is my safe place, I will trust in Him, I will not falter. Hymn after Hymn has keep me going.


{Love Like a Hurricane Continued}

The next few days following birth are a blur of pain filled with a TON of confusion that might clear later. But I just remember insane physical pain, finding out they didn’t give me the 24 hour pain meds duramorph I was suppose to get in surgery to have a 24 hour of relief. So once that epidural wore off I was in level 10 pain again. The nurses didn’t believe me or if they did they didn’t know why I had so much pain. You think they would chart this stuff better. I begged for pain relief for days. It never really got under control completely but I started to get a little relief sometimes.

At one point they finally hooked me up to a drip of morphine & I had to push this little button every 10 minutes to release the drug. UMMM how stupid is that. I’m in pain, completely exhausted from not sleeping for over 36 hours, laboring for two days, ending in an emergency c-section -were they forget pain meds, and now I have to wake myself out of a daze every 10 minutes or I’ll wake in shrieking pain again… You would think there would be a better way? It took 80 min of dripping to get enough in my system that I wasn’t about to die & then I think I drifted with the administration of ambient.

I remember wanting to cry & sob for my baby. But I couldn’t physically cry from the pain. Where was he? Where was my baby? I’d had a baby right? Was I still pregnant? Did he die? Am I alone? This isn’t right, I feel so detached, what’s he look like again? Who am I? Who is he?

I got reports like- his blood sugar level dropped dangerously low. We must give him formula…another thing not in my birth plan- but Ok. His resp rate out of control- he can’t breath right, his blood count off…. And on & on & on & on

Confused, pain -riddled ,broken me.

At one point they wheeled mateo into my room & I was overjoyed. They placed him naked in my arms & said try to nurse it might help him. And they left… lol. WTF. I had no clue what to do. But I’d seen Stephanie & Libby both nurse & had some idea. It was successful!!!!!!! He did a great job. What a sweet little man! I was so happy. I slept in & out of consciousness with his sweetness in my arms & it was all worth it. I awoke 3 hours later & they came to take my baby away. They explained he had gotten his blood results back & he was sick.

The next few days & nights were & still are a blur of intense pain & no changes for me. 24 hours after my surgery they insisted I just HAD to stand up & get my catheter out. I had to attempt to pee on my own again. I had to learn how to care for my incision. I HAD to take a shower and I had a complete & total breakdown.  The nurse was not understanding. She was annoyed with me. No one really believed how much pain I was in. None of them knew what I was going through with the intense pain, lack of medicine, & infected uterus.

I remember the nurse just being at the end of her rope with me & stated firmly it was time to take the shower & she sat the towels down on the table & left. I was in a panic as I stepped hunched over in pain toward the tiny cramped bathroom terrified of taking the bandage that held my guts together off. Scared of the pain & what I would find underneath I called Jessica for support. She came & helped me strip down & get into that awful shower. She got the water started & tried to help me but it was beyond help. I was just sitting there in shock terrified as I started to unwind the bandage & wait for the sting…. Oh and it came ( the nurses told me it wouldn’t hurt- they said it wouldn’t sting.. but I knew better- and I was right) HOLY HELL that stang & that was the end – I went into total shock. I was incapable of moving. I sat in the shower chair hunched over & shaking begging for Nate. Nate swept in & saved me. He got as much in the shower with me as he could ( it was SOOO tiny) & proceeded to wash my damaged mangled body & sooth me with his words. He washed my legs & arms & body & hair & ran conditioner through my snarled hair. As I held onto the rail for dear life. What a humiliating experience. Not to be able to even care for ones own basic needs. To be so vulnerable & ugly in front of the person you love most. I will never be able to tell anyone how much that moment meant to me & how much my husband is the gift from God his name means. He rescued me- Jesus rescued me through him directly. I saw Jesus in his eyes, his touch, his kindness, his soothing reassurance. I could not have done this without him. He is a rock in my life he is THE human rock in my life. He was made for me!

After this I had to stand. That part was very hard. The incision felt terrible. Tons of aching pain from it & I was so scared it would just rip open. But of course the staples were holding that together. They said the weird shocking-stinking sensation was the nerves firing & having no place to connect. They were trying to relearn where to go? Isn’t that just insane? They cut your nerves open & they find a way back together. Kind of a miracle. No one has to tell them what to do they just painfully do it. We are truly wonderfully made.

Once I was on my feet (although I really was not walking per say more like hunching & skooting) the insanity of my crazed motherdom began.

I remember once I was mobile I was determined to see my son & hold him. I wanted to nurse him. I was scared to death he was going to die from not eating. He still had not had FOOD! He was sustained by an IV with glucose?????? Do you know how many nightmares I had when I was pregnant that my baby died because I didn’t feed him???????? My nightmares were becoming real life. I made trip after hunched painful trip to the nicu to hold & rock & and sing to him.  All the while begging to nurse him.

They wouldn’t allow me to nurse but I continued to beg each & every time.

It seemed as though he had a serious issue with his respiratory rate. They told me the number on the monitor needed to be below 60 for me to nurse or he could aspirate (meaning suck the milk into his lungs- a very serious issue) His was usually up in the 90’s & 100’s!!! SCARY! In my confused state I don’t really think I understood how sick my baby was.  I just saw all these doctors & nurses as obstacles I needed to get around to save my baby. I’m sure they all had an eye on me. I was the crazy mom! Lol. So Each time I begged for a number lower. Oh if it’s below 70 can I please? If it’s below 80 can I please? Lol. And over & over again.

Nate & I would long for our son day & night. Every three hours we would head to see him chanting “ I sing you to me teo” (from the movie Australia when the little boy always says that line.) It soon became our thing. “I sing you to me!!!!!!” It was very true as well because I spend hours singing to my darling. Hymn after Hymn after Hymn.

So I would stalk the halls all hours of the day & night blurring reality into dreamland. At one point I chucked to nate as I explained to him that I was a wounded mother panther stalking the caves to find rescue my cub. Then I growled… lol.

Day & night for I’m not sure how many days.

Some really lovely things I do remember are

Nate giving our son his first bath & I got to help!

Nate holding  & singing to our baby

Me holding & rocking & singing to him

Changing his first diaper

Taking the first photos

Meeting grandpa & a few of our friends

Sweet hours with Jesus pouring his hope into my heart

Getting to nurse this one time when his rate was low enough- it didn’t work but they let me come back later & it did work with a nipple shield & it was wonderful!

I think after about 4 days things started to get a little better with me. At least I was becoming more aware of my surroundings & what was going on. I remember talking to the doctor for the first time saying we have such a sweet calm little baby! And he looked at me seriously & said I don’t think your son is calm he’s just very very very sick. For the first time I realized how sick my baby was. He had an infection in his blood???? His whole body was under attack!

Nate & I started writing down questions we had. We were so confused from the blur we didn’t really understand what was going on. We came to find out that I had corio an infection in my uterus & it spread to the placenta & then into teo’s blood in the womb…. Very probably from the high leak of water breaking 30 hours before I delivered. That blood was then infected throughout his whole body leading to sepsis. The bacteria had been found from blood draws done at birth…just a day or two after but our doctor had foreseen the issue & had saved our little boy by starting him on a multipurpose antibiotic within hours of his life.  He switched the anti biotic to the best one for the bacteria mateo had after discovering exactly what it was.

I remember bawling & sobbing all over the place in the nicu when he told us the fatality rate was quite dangerous in those first three days. (luckily this was day 4 that I found out my son could quite have possibly died) if I had really understand that before I would have probably ended up in the mental ward….

The next days turned into a living nightmare. Every morning the doctor would burst into our room with more gone wrong. Mateo needs a feeding tube, his glucose levels are low, he might have meningitis we need to do a spinal tap, his resp is still terrible, another spinal tab the first one produced nothing, amongst other issues. It seemed like we began to dread every morning packing with more bad news.

Eventually after about a week I think things started to swing upwards when his resp got below 70 for periods of time they let me begin with nursing since I had begged so much & we had proved that when he was held by me his resp always stayed lower. So I got my own little private kangaroo room equipped with a rocker, mateo’s bicycle blanket & donut pillow for my poor sore butt & he was moved to a diff part of the nicu for me to have privacy. I went there every three hours to feed him for days. I would then come back & pump, then nate would take that back to the nursery. I became a dairy farm! Bright news is that I produced TONS of milk! Horray! Something going well!!!!!!!

Finally we were faced with a hard decision on whether or not to pursue more spinal taps or just treat for worse case scenario. HARD CHOICES for two new inexperienced parents. Finally with loads of council, lots of prayer, doctors opinion, me leaning heavily on Nate, and 6 needle holes later we decided not to do any more spinal taps & to stay in Bloomington with IV lines rather than be transferred to the childrens hospital in Peoria ….so that we could continue to bond with him & feed him here. But then the very next day the doctor changed his mind because he went home & did more research on the matter & called his training doctor & a few doctors over in peoria & said they really thought another spinal tap would be a good idea with another doctor. One last attempt with someone elses hands… just in case.

So while I was nursing the following morning the new doctor came in to do his spinal tap & I completely lost it. My overactive imagination went into high gear of PANIC. I started freaking out like a crazy personal all over again. I couldn’t stand the thought of my sweet little baby hunched over into a ball held down by nurses while they poked him in the spine with needles. I’ve never felt more mental pain. Nate rescued me & I half ran down the hall to our room & slammed onto my knees on the floor by the bed & started weeping & begging out to God for my sweet innocent child to not feel pain and for God to guide the doctors hands to find the fluid. I prayed that they find it & test it & for it to be negative. I prayer with more fevor & hope that I had ever done in my ife. Nate dried my tears & I climbed into the shower letting all the anxiety & sadness melt with the water down the drain. Nate came back in brokenhearted & downcast. They had not been able to get fluid. They would not be able to test. 3 more tries later. 9 needles in our baby’s back. We mourned together & asked God why his answer was no yet again. We again choose to trust. Choose to believe that God knows what is best. We will now proceed as yesterday & treat for meningitis. Another whole week in the hospital. Another whole week watching my bay have an IV, monitors, nursers, people stopping by our room all hours of the day & night, cleaning, dining, doctors. Another week of crappy hospital life. Another week just waiting to have a normal life. Sadness started to creep in the corners & flood the floors of my heart.

Mateo was getting better every day. Suddenly we started to look forward to our wonderful doctors news.

Mateo can come to your room,

mateo’s monitors can come off,

mateo looks like a healthy baby,

mateo can nurse exclusively,

mateo is doing great & gaining weight!

Amazing amazing amazing! Every piece of news was a God send. Every piece of news was music to my heart. So why did my joy only last momentarily? Why did it fade to sobs? Why am I laying on the floor crying out my heart. Why am I broken now?

So here I am with a healthy looking baby just one last mountain to climb…. a week to survive here. A week to look at this wretched IV sticking out of my baby’s body. A week of bad food (which thankfully to many amazing friends & family we have really been able to avoid too much of)

I am wrestling with God begging him for help & hope. I am wrestling with the broken pieces of my heart, plans, and crushed spirit. I am still fighting. I will not give up. I might need help & support to get pieces off the floor. I think of switchfoot I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.

I ask now that my family & amazing network of support & love to continue to pray for my broken spirit & to lift me up in prayer as I wrestle with the impending post pardon depression that hovers over my head threatening to crush me at any moment. Pray that this week would fly by & I would soon return to my home with a healthy happy baby in my arms. Pray that I will get through this & my spirit will once again soar with the eagles. Pray that my faith is renewed daily & my souls thirst for my heavenly father will be quenched with his great love for me. Pray that I am sustained by His almighty presence & that I will be healed from this brokenness.

And these three remain even in me

Faith, hope & love.