This Is My Story | This is My Song

This is my story

this is my song

praising my savior

all the day long

2. Perfect submission, all is at rest,
   I in my Savior am happy and blest,
   Watching and waiting, looking above,
   Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

This is my story

this is my song

praising my savior

all the day long

I've sung this song a thousand times this last week in a stupor of sadness & tears pouring down my cheeks & falling on my precious baby's face... trusting that Jesus is my rest, He is my safe place, I will trust in Him, I will not falter. Hymn after Hymn has keep me going.


{Love Like a Hurricane Continued}

The next few days following birth are a blur of pain filled with a TON of confusion that might clear later. But I just remember insane physical pain, finding out they didn’t give me the 24 hour pain meds duramorph I was suppose to get in surgery to have a 24 hour of relief. So once that epidural wore off I was in level 10 pain again. The nurses didn’t believe me or if they did they didn’t know why I had so much pain. You think they would chart this stuff better. I begged for pain relief for days. It never really got under control completely but I started to get a little relief sometimes.

At one point they finally hooked me up to a drip of morphine & I had to push this little button every 10 minutes to release the drug. UMMM how stupid is that. I’m in pain, completely exhausted from not sleeping for over 36 hours, laboring for two days, ending in an emergency c-section -were they forget pain meds, and now I have to wake myself out of a daze every 10 minutes or I’ll wake in shrieking pain again… You would think there would be a better way? It took 80 min of dripping to get enough in my system that I wasn’t about to die & then I think I drifted with the administration of ambient.

I remember wanting to cry & sob for my baby. But I couldn’t physically cry from the pain. Where was he? Where was my baby? I’d had a baby right? Was I still pregnant? Did he die? Am I alone? This isn’t right, I feel so detached, what’s he look like again? Who am I? Who is he?

I got reports like- his blood sugar level dropped dangerously low. We must give him formula…another thing not in my birth plan- but Ok. His resp rate out of control- he can’t breath right, his blood count off…. And on & on & on & on

Confused, pain -riddled ,broken me.

At one point they wheeled mateo into my room & I was overjoyed. They placed him naked in my arms & said try to nurse it might help him. And they left… lol. WTF. I had no clue what to do. But I’d seen Stephanie & Libby both nurse & had some idea. It was successful!!!!!!! He did a great job. What a sweet little man! I was so happy. I slept in & out of consciousness with his sweetness in my arms & it was all worth it. I awoke 3 hours later & they came to take my baby away. They explained he had gotten his blood results back & he was sick.

The next few days & nights were & still are a blur of intense pain & no changes for me. 24 hours after my surgery they insisted I just HAD to stand up & get my catheter out. I had to attempt to pee on my own again. I had to learn how to care for my incision. I HAD to take a shower and I had a complete & total breakdown.  The nurse was not understanding. She was annoyed with me. No one really believed how much pain I was in. None of them knew what I was going through with the intense pain, lack of medicine, & infected uterus.

I remember the nurse just being at the end of her rope with me & stated firmly it was time to take the shower & she sat the towels down on the table & left. I was in a panic as I stepped hunched over in pain toward the tiny cramped bathroom terrified of taking the bandage that held my guts together off. Scared of the pain & what I would find underneath I called Jessica for support. She came & helped me strip down & get into that awful shower. She got the water started & tried to help me but it was beyond help. I was just sitting there in shock terrified as I started to unwind the bandage & wait for the sting…. Oh and it came ( the nurses told me it wouldn’t hurt- they said it wouldn’t sting.. but I knew better- and I was right) HOLY HELL that stang & that was the end – I went into total shock. I was incapable of moving. I sat in the shower chair hunched over & shaking begging for Nate. Nate swept in & saved me. He got as much in the shower with me as he could ( it was SOOO tiny) & proceeded to wash my damaged mangled body & sooth me with his words. He washed my legs & arms & body & hair & ran conditioner through my snarled hair. As I held onto the rail for dear life. What a humiliating experience. Not to be able to even care for ones own basic needs. To be so vulnerable & ugly in front of the person you love most. I will never be able to tell anyone how much that moment meant to me & how much my husband is the gift from God his name means. He rescued me- Jesus rescued me through him directly. I saw Jesus in his eyes, his touch, his kindness, his soothing reassurance. I could not have done this without him. He is a rock in my life he is THE human rock in my life. He was made for me!

After this I had to stand. That part was very hard. The incision felt terrible. Tons of aching pain from it & I was so scared it would just rip open. But of course the staples were holding that together. They said the weird shocking-stinking sensation was the nerves firing & having no place to connect. They were trying to relearn where to go? Isn’t that just insane? They cut your nerves open & they find a way back together. Kind of a miracle. No one has to tell them what to do they just painfully do it. We are truly wonderfully made.

Once I was on my feet (although I really was not walking per say more like hunching & skooting) the insanity of my crazed motherdom began.

I remember once I was mobile I was determined to see my son & hold him. I wanted to nurse him. I was scared to death he was going to die from not eating. He still had not had FOOD! He was sustained by an IV with glucose?????? Do you know how many nightmares I had when I was pregnant that my baby died because I didn’t feed him???????? My nightmares were becoming real life. I made trip after hunched painful trip to the nicu to hold & rock & and sing to him.  All the while begging to nurse him.

They wouldn’t allow me to nurse but I continued to beg each & every time.

It seemed as though he had a serious issue with his respiratory rate. They told me the number on the monitor needed to be below 60 for me to nurse or he could aspirate (meaning suck the milk into his lungs- a very serious issue) His was usually up in the 90’s & 100’s!!! SCARY! In my confused state I don’t really think I understood how sick my baby was.  I just saw all these doctors & nurses as obstacles I needed to get around to save my baby. I’m sure they all had an eye on me. I was the crazy mom! Lol. So Each time I begged for a number lower. Oh if it’s below 70 can I please? If it’s below 80 can I please? Lol. And over & over again.

Nate & I would long for our son day & night. Every three hours we would head to see him chanting “ I sing you to me teo” (from the movie Australia when the little boy always says that line.) It soon became our thing. “I sing you to me!!!!!!” It was very true as well because I spend hours singing to my darling. Hymn after Hymn after Hymn.

So I would stalk the halls all hours of the day & night blurring reality into dreamland. At one point I chucked to nate as I explained to him that I was a wounded mother panther stalking the caves to find rescue my cub. Then I growled… lol.

Day & night for I’m not sure how many days.

Some really lovely things I do remember are

Nate giving our son his first bath & I got to help!

Nate holding  & singing to our baby

Me holding & rocking & singing to him

Changing his first diaper

Taking the first photos

Meeting grandpa & a few of our friends

Sweet hours with Jesus pouring his hope into my heart

Getting to nurse this one time when his rate was low enough- it didn’t work but they let me come back later & it did work with a nipple shield & it was wonderful!

I think after about 4 days things started to get a little better with me. At least I was becoming more aware of my surroundings & what was going on. I remember talking to the doctor for the first time saying we have such a sweet calm little baby! And he looked at me seriously & said I don’t think your son is calm he’s just very very very sick. For the first time I realized how sick my baby was. He had an infection in his blood???? His whole body was under attack!

Nate & I started writing down questions we had. We were so confused from the blur we didn’t really understand what was going on. We came to find out that I had corio an infection in my uterus & it spread to the placenta & then into teo’s blood in the womb…. Very probably from the high leak of water breaking 30 hours before I delivered. That blood was then infected throughout his whole body leading to sepsis. The bacteria had been found from blood draws done at birth…just a day or two after but our doctor had foreseen the issue & had saved our little boy by starting him on a multipurpose antibiotic within hours of his life.  He switched the anti biotic to the best one for the bacteria mateo had after discovering exactly what it was.

I remember bawling & sobbing all over the place in the nicu when he told us the fatality rate was quite dangerous in those first three days. (luckily this was day 4 that I found out my son could quite have possibly died) if I had really understand that before I would have probably ended up in the mental ward….

The next days turned into a living nightmare. Every morning the doctor would burst into our room with more gone wrong. Mateo needs a feeding tube, his glucose levels are low, he might have meningitis we need to do a spinal tap, his resp is still terrible, another spinal tab the first one produced nothing, amongst other issues. It seemed like we began to dread every morning packing with more bad news.

Eventually after about a week I think things started to swing upwards when his resp got below 70 for periods of time they let me begin with nursing since I had begged so much & we had proved that when he was held by me his resp always stayed lower. So I got my own little private kangaroo room equipped with a rocker, mateo’s bicycle blanket & donut pillow for my poor sore butt & he was moved to a diff part of the nicu for me to have privacy. I went there every three hours to feed him for days. I would then come back & pump, then nate would take that back to the nursery. I became a dairy farm! Bright news is that I produced TONS of milk! Horray! Something going well!!!!!!!

Finally we were faced with a hard decision on whether or not to pursue more spinal taps or just treat for worse case scenario. HARD CHOICES for two new inexperienced parents. Finally with loads of council, lots of prayer, doctors opinion, me leaning heavily on Nate, and 6 needle holes later we decided not to do any more spinal taps & to stay in Bloomington with IV lines rather than be transferred to the childrens hospital in Peoria ….so that we could continue to bond with him & feed him here. But then the very next day the doctor changed his mind because he went home & did more research on the matter & called his training doctor & a few doctors over in peoria & said they really thought another spinal tap would be a good idea with another doctor. One last attempt with someone elses hands… just in case.

So while I was nursing the following morning the new doctor came in to do his spinal tap & I completely lost it. My overactive imagination went into high gear of PANIC. I started freaking out like a crazy personal all over again. I couldn’t stand the thought of my sweet little baby hunched over into a ball held down by nurses while they poked him in the spine with needles. I’ve never felt more mental pain. Nate rescued me & I half ran down the hall to our room & slammed onto my knees on the floor by the bed & started weeping & begging out to God for my sweet innocent child to not feel pain and for God to guide the doctors hands to find the fluid. I prayed that they find it & test it & for it to be negative. I prayer with more fevor & hope that I had ever done in my ife. Nate dried my tears & I climbed into the shower letting all the anxiety & sadness melt with the water down the drain. Nate came back in brokenhearted & downcast. They had not been able to get fluid. They would not be able to test. 3 more tries later. 9 needles in our baby’s back. We mourned together & asked God why his answer was no yet again. We again choose to trust. Choose to believe that God knows what is best. We will now proceed as yesterday & treat for meningitis. Another whole week in the hospital. Another whole week watching my bay have an IV, monitors, nursers, people stopping by our room all hours of the day & night, cleaning, dining, doctors. Another week of crappy hospital life. Another week just waiting to have a normal life. Sadness started to creep in the corners & flood the floors of my heart.

Mateo was getting better every day. Suddenly we started to look forward to our wonderful doctors news.

Mateo can come to your room,

mateo’s monitors can come off,

mateo looks like a healthy baby,

mateo can nurse exclusively,

mateo is doing great & gaining weight!

Amazing amazing amazing! Every piece of news was a God send. Every piece of news was music to my heart. So why did my joy only last momentarily? Why did it fade to sobs? Why am I laying on the floor crying out my heart. Why am I broken now?

So here I am with a healthy looking baby just one last mountain to climb…. a week to survive here. A week to look at this wretched IV sticking out of my baby’s body. A week of bad food (which thankfully to many amazing friends & family we have really been able to avoid too much of)

I am wrestling with God begging him for help & hope. I am wrestling with the broken pieces of my heart, plans, and crushed spirit. I am still fighting. I will not give up. I might need help & support to get pieces off the floor. I think of switchfoot I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.

I ask now that my family & amazing network of support & love to continue to pray for my broken spirit & to lift me up in prayer as I wrestle with the impending post pardon depression that hovers over my head threatening to crush me at any moment. Pray that this week would fly by & I would soon return to my home with a healthy happy baby in my arms. Pray that I will get through this & my spirit will once again soar with the eagles. Pray that my faith is renewed daily & my souls thirst for my heavenly father will be quenched with his great love for me. Pray that I am sustained by His almighty presence & that I will be healed from this brokenness.

And these three remain even in me

Faith, hope & love.

Love Like A Hurricane

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me

I am in love, I am in shock, I am passionate, I am a wreck, I am a mother, I desperate for comfort.

Here is my birth story. Hard- True-Raw-Painful-Ending with love like a hurricane & the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, touched, or known. 

As everyone knows I was scheduled to be induced via pitocin on Monday morning at 12am. (sunday night at midnight). Obviously super nervous about induction & I was back & forth on if I was making the correct decision to have this done -or if I should fight the doctor & push for my last date to go past 42 weeks rather than my first. So since I was extremely worked up on Sunday night -Nate and I go not go sleep at 5pm-11pm like we had planned before heading to the hospital. So I laid there crying with paniced tears hoping I was doing the right thing for the safety of me & my child. We got up & just made ourselves do it. Heading to the hospital I just gave all the fear that I could up again & sang a few worship songs. We check in easily & headed to my impending doom…. Lol.

LOTS of paperwork , two blown veins, & one exam (showing still no progression past 1 cm - 80% - station 0) just like the past three weeks) later we started the pitocin around 2am. The nurse said I was actually having contractions but they were so mild I didn’t ever feel them. But they were there. That made me feel better… like “great! My body already started it just needs a little help to progress.” So Nate & I started to relax. He had this flipping awesome chair that like vibrated & heated up  & laid out to a pretty decent sleeping place!  It was totally way more cool than my bed. Lol.

So we rested without real sleep for a few hours before I started to actually understand the contractions & what they felt like.  We decided to get out of bed because they had become uncomfortable & walking would be a good idea. They started to hurt I think sometime around 430 am. I remember thinking OH now I understand how a tightening uterus can hurt… that was very hard for me to understand before that.

So we trolled the hallways a few hours- we were the creepy people stopping conspicuously by the nursery a BILLION times to stare at strangers babies while I had tears in my eyes thinking that this was all going to be worth it very soon!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loved looking at them & having a contraction waive at the same time. Imagining my cute baby & relaxing him out into my arms…. talk about motivation . Soon enough we called our friend Jessica- my doula- because they were getting pretty stinking intense. Now I’m not sure when Jessica got there but I tried the birthing ball, walking, kneeling, etc… let me tell you contractions just hurt in any position. I remember at one point making Jessica laugh as I looked around panicked and stated “ I’m just trying to figure out what position to get in so they don’t hurt… “ lol. I was convinced there must be some magic way. Hahahah. Desperate times….

Around 10 am I was laying in bed for my first exam to see if any progression started & NOTHING. UGGG. Also very painful to labor in bed… I complained… no wonder everyone gets an epidural… OUCH. How can anyone do that?????????? The exam showed nothing & my midwife said she’d come back later. But my contractions were looking good & rhythmic. I staying in bed about an hour because I figured out if I put tennis balls under my lower back that t felt pretty good on that specific pain. I decided to get up when the nurse told me my dad was there to say hello. I got up & BAM I leaked all over the bed!!!!!! I was super giddy and said MY WATER BROKE!!!!!!! I mean it was a big old gush. Lol. Then she went & got a strip to test it… but then she told me no…. just pee????? I SERIOUSLY PEED MYSELF? Really??????? How does that happen? I’ve peed myself before laughing & it doesn’t feel like that.

Anyways I headed to the bathroom & lost more! I also started noticing dark blood looking stuff? They said it’s normal & we ignored it all. Someone stated it might just be a high leak?

So labor labor labor labor labor INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE hours hours hours hours

OUCH! Pretty worn out with LONG contractions, brief periods in between & no pain meds was getting to me.

After my next exam my midwife decided I was exhausted after laboring without sleep & sill 0 progression that I should go off the pit & take a sleeping pill, and go to bed…. Start again in the morning. HOW DEPRESSING! But I was in so much pain& the only other option was to officially break my water & make all hell break loose- I just knew I couldn’t do it. So we stopped the pit at 630 & I contracted until 830. Around 830-930 they slowed down & then It was a stressful time to make decisions yet again…. I had choices.  My midwife wanted me to get up at 4 am & take cydotek ( An off label used drug for abortions. Lost of people use it to induce & sometimes it works quite well. But there are a lot of dangerous & very possible scary side effects. Without pain meds I knew that I could handle the pitocin but who knows about a whole new drug? Or I could get up at 6am & just start ALL OVER????? Just turn on the pitocin & go at it. Other options would be break my water after a few hours of that & other things. OR the scary part is I could refuse everything say the hell with this & go home because my body just isn’t ready for this. Wait a few days & come back on Friday on my 2 weeks & hope it kicked in on its own….

After many tears I decided against the cydotec & yes to the pitocin & breaking water next day. So I took the sleeping pills & AHHHHHHHHHH I passed out exhausted. I did wake up a few times with contractions & it was hard to sleep with continuous belly monitoring & iv’s sticking out (They still had me on the iv fluids to keep my body flushed).

But I made it & 6 am rolled around & I felt much better. I was already having slight contractions but I took a shower & Nate dried my hair & made myself pretty again while they started the pit. Good timing because right as my clothes were on they started to be SUPER painful again! WOWSA. It would be hours before I cared what I looked like again! Lol.

Worse & worse I labored all morning. Somewhere around 10 my midwife came in & checked me – still NOTHING!!!!!!! ARGGG. With paniced tears & super high anxiety (I’d heard it was SUPER painful) I allowed her to break my water in hopes that the babies head would drop further into the birth canal and onto my cervix forcing it open with contractions. OMG that’s just what it did (except for the openening part…)

Ummmmmmmmm the contractions following in less than 5 minutes were WORST PAIN IN MY LIFE I started the vocal moaning. Moaning turned to screaming, screaming turned to crying, crying turned to screaming, screaming tears turned to begging for the epidural. Lol. I did last almost 5 hours in the WRETCHED condition that should not be allowed to exsist. I kept moaning I want to die… over & over again. I tried the shower (nate is AMAZING & got in there with me to hold all my medical junk I was toting around) then this most FANTASTIC nurse I had named Erica rescued me in there for awhile. She let me hold her hand through the waves & squeeze. I’m pretty sure I broke her hand. She was the most comforting, loving, gracious, encouraging, uplifting, beautiful nurse I’ve ever met. A personality like Danielle &  face just like Robin I was in love with her. I just kept calling her “my robin” and laughing about how I got to have Robin around for my birth. Lol.

I tried the tub after the shower to no avail. We checked me one more time & I still had not progressed AT ALL> That was it. I just couldn’t do it anymore. With tears in my eyes I begged for the epidural or death. One or the other- this existence was not acceptable.

So of course it took FOREVER for the anithetiaoist to get there. After all the stories of them hounding the hallways preying on unsusceptible mothers waiting to administer drugs- well I sure as hell thought they’d get their butts up there to save me much quicker. By this time I’m shaking through the pain just barely holding onto reality. Forget trying to relax through them. After what seemed like forever he was there. Also not very nice- one of the guys who had basically molested my arm with a needle trying to get like the 3^rd line in. I’m like seriously??????????????????????????

I had to sit on the edge of bed (btw sitting is a death wish it hurts so bad during a contraction not made for labor!) I had to then hold myself STILL while I contacted for him to do this. I have no flipping clue how I got through this. But I did & they laid me back & the contractions started to over time subside in pain. AHHHHHHHHHHH sweet sweet sweet relief!

I slept.

I woke up in trembles about an hour later just FREEZING to death. I had laid down with my sports bra on still & it was wet (nate had begged me to take if off before laying down but I was in so much pain I said I didn’t care) well I cared cause I made them cut it off me… hahah. It didn’t help. I was still freezing. 6 blankets &  a hair dryer later they were turning more into mini seizures that  I couldn’t control. It was pretty scary. Erica (robin) checked my temp & blood pressure a lot but I seemed Ok. Then Suddenly like wink of an eye I was not OK.

My temp went to 104 & my babies heart rate went off the charts around 200 & did what they called flatlining… (not dead but not moving or responding to stimulous & the little sqigglelines didn’t vary)

Erica got my midwife in there in minutes & they were leaning over saying we are so sorry sorry sorry but we’ve got to get the baby out. You are both sick. You have an infection. It’s an emergency.

So with sudden peace in my heart I said ok lets do this! (I had always kinda known it would end this way) Everything had gone wrong the whole pregnancy. Lol. What is one more blip on the way? Still gonna trust God. Still going to have a BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

Nate was the best. Grabbed the camera, got in scrubs (he’s a cutie in scrubs), grapped a smile  & a hand of strength & we headed in 8 min later. Another 10 min later I was getting a baby ripped out of my uterus! HOLY FAST BATMAN! I worshiped  prayed over my baby while they did everything. I smiled & faced this with courage because the Lord had given me strength.

Because of my crazy pain-med free labor & calm in this storm- Everyone was calling me Zena warrior princess. Hahaha. I loved it.

Strangest sensation ever having a baby tugged out of you by the way. It didn’t hurt but it sure made me feel weird. Then I heard the best sound in my life.

 “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” “He’s a biter.” “I like them feisty”

It was all I could do to maintain the joy spreading through me like wildfire.

I loved his cries. Nate is like beaming like the moon. He headed over the warmer. I'm asking " is he whole? Is he Healthy? Does he have two eyes?" lol. Sadly they couldn’t put him on my chest because he had decided to eat a weeks worth of meconium & was in danger. Nate said it took forever to get it all outta there.

Eventually they brought him over to my face & I got to see him & kiss him. Maybe the best moment of my life.
I wanted to hold him so bad but I couldn’t. So Nate went straight to the nicu with him to handle all the details & Jessica dove in like a true friend to sustain me & my confusion & weird body feelings.

Its’ all a pretty big blur from this point but I remember blips.

Vomitting into a little pink bin. 

Muteness. 

Feeling like my lungs were collapsing, 

getting an oxygen mask, 

begging for ice one chip at a time of relief, 

entire body fuzzyness, 

in and out of fatigued head moments, 

wondering where my baby was but feeling peace that he was with daddy, 

longing for him, 

wanting to find my phone to call my parents, 

wheeling down the hall now loaded with like 50 people & some little tune they announced was for me to congratulate my birth (the hospital because like a birthing club- every labor & delivery room FULL- overflow in the halls- apparently MAYDAY was the day to have a baby!) 

stopping at the NICU because I was begging to see my baby.

Putting my arm out into his warmer , onto his skin, feeling his flesh against mine, feeling sadly disconnected & confused. 

Wheeling to my new room, getting dragged & pushed around like a piece of meat from one bed to the next. Intense pain searing through my body, 

begging for pain meds, 

asking over & over why it hurt so bad, 

asking for my baby, 

and really nothing else.

Things that I don’t remember but saw photos of to confirm- 

skin to skin with my baby just 2 hours after birth!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in love with my baby! I am in love with his smell. I am in love with his eyes, his ears, his toes, his fingers, his nose, his chubby cheeks, his dark hair, his soft skin, his cries, his breath, HIM! I'm in love with him & I'm even more in love with my husband.

It was all worth it. I think I will be insane and do it all over again. Love is truely like a hurricane.

--------So I’m going to end this portion of my story here. It is going to take several more days or weeks to go over & even remember what happened after all this insanity. The storm continues to rage for our little family. We are still fighting & making very hard parent choices....

Those Who Trust

So today I've been seriously wrestling with this impending induction. I know a lot of people don't think it's a big deal..(it's probably a healthier perspective based on trust.. that I lack...lol). So it's really a big deal for this little lady. I looked up a LOT more information on inductions with pictocin & had a complete meltdown today crying my eyes out that no matter what an induced birth just isn't the same as a natural one. My chances of c-sections go up drastically, my chances of needing pain meds also go up dramatically.

So after my break down I had a heart to heart with God. Which is something I've been shy of doing lately.  

For those of you that know me well, know that I really struggle with one big thing in my faith. I just don't believe in the depth of my heart that my God loves me & wants what is best for me at all. I think He wants what is best for Him. I mean if I'm a "christian"- systematic theology teaches me that we are here for His purpose & glory & not ours.... but in believing this in a somewhat ignorant & diluted way I think I just completely miss out on all the beauty & complexity---

that His glory is often brought through our joy & success. I mean I miss the whole point that He has joy when we have joy, He rejoices when we rejoice.... I mean He dances over us! He knits us together in the womb, He knows us before we are born, He has plans for us, He loved us first... then we loved Him, He died for our salvation from a broken world. He died to give us hope & a future. He cares for us deeply. We bring him a joy, we are his ultimate creation, we are his loved ones! We are important to him. We are his children... something I'm about to understand for the first time in my life.
I really hope that becoming a parent will finally help me understand that my joy will be so deeply intertwined with my children & their joy & success. I will be happy when they are happy!

So all these beautiful things about God often get passed up by my broken heart. I have not (like most of us) had life go exactly according to my plan & what I would consider safe & beautiful really.... but in all reality my vision is REALLY limited because it's truly beautiful on the other side of my troubled youth & it's really amazing & glorious!

There has been amazing redeption in my life more that I think many will ever experience. I've truly become fully alive in my relationship with  a living God.

I have this amazing husband that loves me, is super hilarious & comedic- he makes me laugh, he is strong in mind & body, SUPER sexy, loving, a hard worker, committed to the same God & faith, not to mention he is a totally cool hipster & fantastic dresser... he is build of great character & I am madly in love with him & him with me.

I have this baby in my womb -when at one point I never thought I could actually have life within me.

I'm free from my past & the mistakes I have made. No regrets because they are gone forever. I am not accountable for them anymore. I am a new person. Freedom in the rawest form.

I am blessed with pretty much the very best friends a girl could ask for. Loyal, committed, encouraging, understanding, generous, loving, & beyond.

My life is beautiful... so why do I still struggle to trust God at all.... It's because I don't believe He cares for me. His idea of good & glory are so much different than mine. So I refuse to give up control. So today as I read birth stories- good & bad alike.. I finally did something I don't know that I've done since I choose to believe in this Jesus...

I told him I was done controlling my life...

I asked one last time/begged one last time for him to bless me with going into labor all on my own today or tomorrow. Then I told him that even if it didn't happen I was going to make a conscious decision to lay everything down & trust him. I am choosing believe that He loves me & wants to bless me. That no matter what happens... well it happens for a reason & later I'll understand. Even if later is the afterlife. I'll believe he is there, I'll believe he is for me. Even if I don't feel that way. Even if it's not my plan. I suppose that is faith in it's truest form... believing in something you can not see, feel, or even understand. blind. simple. pure.

So here I am before the God of the universe,, the God that loves me, the God that is for me, the God that died to connect with me, the God that knit mateo together in my womb, the God that has a new name for me, nate, & mateo someday. the God I have chosen freely to believe in, the God I love. My God. I will trust in Him.

Girl On Fire | Epiloge

ULLLLLLLLLL SERIOUSLY MAKE THE FIRE STOP!!!!!!!! LOL>

Went into doctor today wondering why the stretch marks on my belly burn like wildfire & why they itch so incredibly bad????? Turns out I have developed PUPP. Seriously I've gotten every possible bad thing that comes with pregnancy even if the chances are minor... but I guess it happens sometimes towards the end of pregnancy.... it's a higher chance for boys, first time moms, and those who gain a lot of weight... which I have (mostly because of water retention from the preclampsia) NOT because I've been eating bad. SERIOUSLY! Anyways hydrocortozone & being not pregnant anymore will cure all problems... haha. kinda... I started the hydrocortozone & it's seems to be helping the fire searing across my belly a little. Gladly the rash will go away as soon as I have the baby.

So midwife appointment was not so fun today. :( Still no dilation.
So had some uncomfortable things done today in attempts to strip my membranes & force the dilation to happen. So good news is I did dilate super fast and start contractions!!!!!!!!!... but then it stopped once she was all done with that. At least I think it stopped because I don't' feel the contractions... well I think I'm still having them but they are weird & spastic & I don't actually know when I'm having them. Nate could tell & the midwife could tell.... but as for me... nada...hahah. I'm so thankful for my midwife seriously she has been so amazing with helping me along those journey.

She told me to walk a ton today, stay active, & try a few other things at home. Maybe if we are lucky I'll be in the hospital having a baby tonight or tomorrow... because if not... well the eviction notice has been written for Sunday night at midnight.

Honestly I'm terrified. I'm so much more scared now that I feel myself some real pain today... haha. I'm weak sauce. I'm really scared my body is going to react poorly to these drugs to induce. One of the reasons I had planned a natural birth was because all the ways my body has responded poorly to most drugs on the market. It doesn't like them. I get a lot of bad side effects & I'm allergic to qutie a few. But we have done everything to get this going on its own & no such luck. Here we are at 41.5 weeks & pitocin will start dripping sunday night right on the 42 week line....so all I can really do is pray he comes on his own, then pray the drugs don't react terribly & actually work... and that maybe above all odds I can still avoid pain meds & epidurals.

if you are reading this... PLEASE JOIN ME IN BEGGING GOD FOR A NATURAL BIRTH! I want my plan... lol.

Good news is that this is the last photo in which I'll be pregnant... I made it to week 42!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tick Tock It's A Clock

Yes another hunger games reference... lol.

So I will be heading back into my midwife to check on everything baby wise on Friday. If no progression has been made little mateo is getting an eviction notice....lol. So tick tock little man... it's a clock out here & you are running out of TIME! Get things going in there mister! I don't want to be induced. I did some research on studies done concerning the increased risks of a c-section with induction & man alive they are high!

The authors looked more closely at the 4,863 women who delivered and had no medical risk factors or pregnancy complications. The overall C-section rate for those women was 25.5%. Being induced doubled the risk of ending up with a C-section, from 13.6% to 25.5% (eeeeek)

In other words, it was induction itself that increased the risk for C-section, not pregnancy complications or other risk factors. In the case of the indicated inductions the increased risk for C-section is justified by the benefit of reducing perinatal deaths. However, there is no offsetting benefit for inductions without medical indication.

So as you can see from this study (and many others I found) if I do this whole induction thing my risks increase a buttload. Not to mention the other risks of the drugs administered. I mean drugs are amazing & everything. lol. Like the fact that we created a synthetic form of a natural hormone... miraculous... but honestly no synthetic anything is as good as the real deal that God designed from the mud...lol. & there are lots of side effects & the fact that I don't think I can handle induction without pain meds. I hear it's terrible pain. Unbelievabe. I think I'll still try but my chance without them but my chance of an epidural or narcotics is quite high. Days like this make me wish medical marajuana was legal in Illinois! WAY less risks there! Or like laughing gas? WHY NOT? the dentists love it... i love it... hahahah

I must say it's good to know that in less than a week even if they have to cut him out of me... I'll be a mama!!!!!!! I'll have a beautiful son!!!!!!!!!! I'll have a whole new life & a whole new set of worries! OH GOODIE! Anyways trying to trust that God knows the plan, that my body was made to do this, and maybe JUST maybe with the impending eviction notice mateo will get outta there before tick tock ends! 

ThuD THUD thuD | Girl On FIRE

Today I went in to the midwife for my 41st week appointment. So sad to have to show my face there again... I was really hoping I'd have a baby in my arms & be at the pediatrician instead... lol. But I just LOVE my midwife & all the amazing staff there. They feel like friends. I really do enjoy it.

We had to do a fetal heart monitor & stress test since I'm past the due dates. They just hooked me on up & I had to push this button thing every time he moved. The little machine showed his heart rate & stuff & this white paper printed out for the 30 minutes I was in there with the little squiggle lines for his heart beating. I just laid there hearing thud thud thud. Best sound in the world. The whole time I was thinking of my friend jason & his lovely wife Alison. Because i'm sure her fav sound in the world is her husbands new heart thud thud thud healthy & alive in his beating chest! He successfully came out of a heart transplant surgery this morning!!!!!!! beautiful amazing sounds.
I think back to my post at 20 weeks - galloping horses- the best sound in the world. It's still just as true. I just love to hear mateo's little heart beating.
Everything seemed healthy today. No progression still. No more dilation. Still barely a 1. waaaaa.  I'll go back in this friday to do another monitor. Just make sure he's ok in there. I'm really hoping it's just gonna be like my mom & when they start they will start & go for real & go fast. I'm still holding out hope for natural all the way!!!!!!!!!!


The stretch marks have come to an all time low... meaning they are spreading like wildfire across my belly.  Tracy... girl on fire.... seriously they itch & burn all day, all night. I am constantly slathering my belly with burts bees lanolin & coco butter to no avail.... ullllll


I will miss things about pregnancy I suppose-althought I think most women that state they just miss pregnancy &  loved being pregnant SOOOOO much, sit on a throne of lies... lol.
I think they just forget how wretched the whole thing is... bahahahah.
But I will really miss feeling him move inside my belly (seriously one of the neatest & most fantastic things I've ever felt) how my heart trembles when I don't feel that for awhile. I will also miss going to my midwives office & hearing his heart beat on the doppler. Another miracle! I just LOVE it! I'll miss the attention. teehee. It's so fun to have strangers smile at you &  ask you when you are due. Also there is this crazy phenomenon that happens between pregnant ladies & new parents... the one where you are out & see someone with a new baby & you go over & admire their baby...just instantly becoming friends... haha the world of conversation is at our fingertips. I've never met you- but we are life givers! We are in this together... all the comradery! I wonder if that will continue with other moms once I have the babe?


Waking up a lot these nights. Not as much to pee but because my hips are in pain... and the wildfire belly... lol.

Soon oh soon!

Also I have the best most thoughtful people in my life.... seriously. I got home from this sad news appointment to have this delightful gift waiting for me! Seriously between my friend Lizzy & Stephanie I've been spoiled rotten with gifts on my doorstep this pregnancy.
Today Lizzy sent me this!!!!!!!

Judge Not

Judge not lest ye be judged { by your own crazy self}

So first due date came & went.... last monday the 16th. You know the one you give yourself after figuring out when your last period was. Then around 13 weeks they give you a sonogram & "date" the baby to conception. Yeah it's pretty amazing they can do that! Sad for me cause they pushed back my date 4 days. UGGGG seriously you don't think it sounds like a big deal but wait until you are pregnant & anxiously awaiting every sign, symptom, and sweet baby cheeks in your arms!
So Friday April 20th was determined my new date! 4-20. Oh yes. lol Hitlers birthday & pot awareness day or something.

From the moment we decided to pursue a family & I got pregnant, I decided to educate myself the best I could on the in's & outs of pregnancy & conception. Medically & naturally minded. I'm a very in-between kinda gal. Not much trust for the medical field - not because I think it's altogether bad or wicked or anything but simply because I think it's very manipulated, financially, & pharmaceutically driven with low regard for the miracle of the body! I do not think however that it doesn't change lives, save lives, & show the AMAZING intelligence of the human mind! Wow what we have discovered & made possible! It's beautiful & a great display of God's work in us & the way he made us intelligently & I think he desires for us to grow & learn & create like him! Also not a full trust in many of the naturally minded groups or extremists... because of just that. It seems that a lot of people on the fringe are much more than that... they are "usually" extremists & they think the medical field is completely evil & out to get us. It's conspiracy theorists all the way! lol. So there is a lot of judgement flying around on both sides.

So here is where I stand....(& I'm so fortunate to have found friends that are right here with me)

I think that Jesus speaks a LOT about moderation when it comes to everything. Christianity-wise I'm not a legalist & I probably do shamefully sway to the side of license with my faith (as far as my actions go) now my heart is another matter. (yes-yes I'm aware that the heart is the wellspring of life & my actions show my heart and all that jazz) but I also recently heard an AMAZING talk on how our hearts might desire truth but we find it so hard to live by because our flesh is weak. So that struggle finally makes sense to me! But that is neither here nor there & I'm getting off subject- because my brain cells are basically gone at this point.... lol.

So navigating the system with a healthy balance between the medical field & the naturally minded community is much MUCH harder than you would imagine. It's like walking a tightrope while everyone around you has an opinion on what is right & what is wrong. Information is thrown all over the place with biased options on both sides. Some correct & some plain -well inconsistent & based on non-truth.

So here I am walking my pregnant tightrope & coming up with my own biased & opinionated ideas- of course done with min research in some areas & lots in others. Mostly I end up confused. lol. But I still come out the other end with consideration, prayer, & a lot of faith that I'm just trying to do what I believe to be the best thing for my family & my babe. I've had to research & study many things from separating old wives tales of how to get pregnant, to what sort of drugs I can rely on to help me through issues in the pregnancy, cloth diapering vs disposables, to vaccinations! Let me tell you mama's it's a tough ride.

One thing that I was pretty advertent to was the idea of induction & scheduled c-sections. After reading a lot about the necessity for these things sometimes-I discovered that the medical field here in the US will often push mothers to these options for things that are actually extremely rare (and yes that data can be proved with percentages & reports- go read about it! The numbers are scary). That makes me very sad that natural childbirth is such a thing of the past in our society. It's also VERY discouraging when I tell people my plan to go natural & they scoff & say oh that will go out the window once labor starts... NOT COOL people. Women have been doing this forever & only recently has the "need" for pain medication come into the picture. Ask your mother... bet she did it all natural. Look at the statistics today verses just 30 years ago....

But lets just be honest for a second... here I am at 41 weeks pregnant & just DYING. I mean seriously I didn't know the agony before now. lol. I'm gaint. Like a whale, I can't breath when I lay down, stretch marks are searing across my belly (just in the last week) they itch, burn, & constant actually hurt! I burp up acid all the time, I can't sleep more than an hour stretch, I'm so heavy it hurts to walk up the stairs... heck it hurts to walk anywhere.... the head & backaches are almost unbearable... And now the topping on the cake is that my midwife & doula whom both I just LOVE & trust with my birth... yeah they are BOTH gone tomorrow! I'm shivering in my pants! SERIOUSLY?????? after all this judging of all the ladies who schedule their induction just so their doctor is there... well I'm starting to understand! I'm terrified that they are going to both be gone when I have this baby & then I'll end up with a doctor who lies to me if I'm in labor "too" long that I need this drug, or that process. My advocates for this natural birth I have planned are leaving me!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH

I no longer can judge those ladies. I shouldn't have judged in the first place! I mean what do I know about how much research they have done? What do I know about their heart? What do I know about what's REALLY going on inside? Besides... its' every women's choice. Of course I still think that it's amazing, loving, & helpful to continue to LOVINGLY educate women to their rights & their choices.... but judgement is NEVER the way.

 I mean if I were to get induced today...could I have my excellent birth still? I could maybe do it naturally????? These thoughts are soaring through my brain. If I got induced now or at 42 weeks when this little bugger still hasn't show up would it make a difference? I mean if I did it now or had to do it then what have I proved? I mean maybe i'll have to be induced at 42 weeks for serious health reasons like him swallowing his first poo in utero, or losing amniotic fluid that he needs, or the placenta deteriorating... serious health concerns that our amazing medical field can look for & rescue our babies from. If I did it now I'd save myself birthing this every growing GIANT baby! lol.
Of course since I have done the research I know that if I did get induced the probability of a c sections goes up a TON! lol. so of course I refuse to give into my fears & turn to Jesus for help! I tried begging & pleading with him to let the baby come last night or today... but no avail... lol. Not his plans I guess.

My friend molly told me the other day that I should try to trust that He is going to care for me. But I really don't feel like I believe that. I mean my idea of caring for me in my life has seemed so much different to Him.... How can I trust something that doesn't really work that way?

So here I am trying to trust no longer judging other mama's. Really i'm jealous of them.. haha. I am trying to trust that I can have a natural birth with or without my midwife & doula. Maybe God wants to show me how much He cares for me & is going to have my baby come specifically tomorrow & let me do it all natural & have a positive birth experience without the humans that I trust much more than Him?

So judge not tracy... trust & love rather....
I mean if I REALLY cared about women's rights & educating others about birth... well I'd do something about it. RIGHT?

Please don't comment on this post if you don't have anything loving & non confrontational to say. I do not want my blog to become a forum where we all battle out our opinions on medical vs natural. Rather lets find beautiful ground to stand together & united on! Let's LOVE!

Oh and looks at my super cute 41st week belly bursting with LIFE!

today I pray

Today I am praying over you mateo (just like I have so many times in the last year). Today again I am asking the Lord to be merciful & full of grace on the Battaglia family. I am asking for your health (mental & physical). I am asking for your survival! I am asking for your birthing experience to be natural & safe! I am asking for wonderful bonding & beautiful rest. I am asking for the world! I am asking that you fall in love with Jesus regardless of our sure to be failures. I am asking for your salvation. I am asking for your LIFE! Did you know that your name means "gift of God" well it does! Mama & daddy picked it specifically because of that. You are a gift & we can't wait to open you up to all we believe in & hope for. Please come out & let us know you with our imperfect but deep love!!!!!!

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN- you gotta get out of there! Seriously though Teo ... listen to mama... you gotta get out of there! I want you in my arms too bad to wait around anymore!!!! I bet you are adorable.

Nate & I started dating Friday the 13th. We were married Friday the 31st. We would like to have a baby on Friday the 13th... teehee... so today mr man???????? I love you my little baby! I REALLY can't wait to meet you. I can't believe you have been in my belly for 39 FULL weeks forming, growing, moving! Today we start that 40th week... I wonder if I'll meet you before the end of it?????? Whatdoya say??????????????????? PLEAAAASSSSEEEEEE? There are thunderstorms tonight.... I hear that is good for labor- teehee. Don't you want to come & play in the rain????

Week 40 is already a tough one... acid reflux like CRAZY! YUCK. I can't lay down without acid flooding my throat. It feels terrible. Actually I can't even just sit or stand or walk or lay- it's 27 since last night. I did try drinking soda which is something I never do... but it did help! The carbonation sort of settled it. But I'm dreading every day of acid burbs... haha.
The belly is becoming more & more uncomfortable. It's not so bad when he's asleep in there but every once in awhile he'll decide to shift his bum around & stick his little knees up at the same time.... the result is my belly button inverting & a sloping belly. It REALLY is horrid. It makes me so nauseous I feel like I'm gonna hurl. I always know when it's happening because I instantly am sick- I look down & sure enough- sloopy belly... I wish the camera could capture it cause it's really awfully strange looking. Seriously out of room in there & last week I started getting the kicks in under the ribcage.

Regardless of the weird uncomforted of pregnancy I'm still totally amazed at how easy the end is compared to the beginning... even the middle really. I mean 16 weeks of vomit & non-stop nausea is the worst & sharp pains in the back are pretty bad too.. but other than when he gets himself into a belly tangle & the headaches & mild backaches this is just fine. I really thought 40 weeks was going to be completely terrible. But by the grace & mercy of God I think He's giving me  a good end. I'm hoping that is his plan for delivery too. hahah.

Is it strange that I'm not afraid? I'm not scared about delivery at all????? I'm actually excited. I bet it won't be like this the second time around but right now I'm looking forward to contractions & knowing what those are like & pushing with all my heart & producing a dear sweet little baby. I am not afraid! I am not scared! I am excited! Remember... pregnancy is natural, normal, healthy, & safe!

Here I come week 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hipster Nursery | Work In Progress

So I know I already posted a hipster nursery ... but I've been working all day on making it ready for Mateo & I desperately want to share...lol. All that is left is I'm waiting for the fabric I ordered for curtains to arrive ( then I've got to make them...) I need to order blackout panels. Also I'm very excited for the rest of the crib bedding to come. Bed skirt & bumpers from my friend Shaina of Diaper Duckling. I've very excited about all the wonderful things she makes & can't wait to completely finish the nursery.

Get Out Of Jail FREE

MUUUHAHAHHAHA I've been such a good girl on this low sodium, high protein, bed rest lifestyle that yesterday at my midwife appointment I was semi- released. Since my  blood is excellent, most of the foot swelling is gone, and I've been so good my midwife approved me to swim a bit or take a walk!!!!!!!!! So naturally I totally overdid it & was on my feet for 8 hours yesterday. DUMB. Now I'm super tired today but it's ok I'll take it easy & lay around mostly to make up for it. Anyways it feels like I've been given a get out of jail free card & I'm in MUCH better spirits. Now I don't mind waiting for Mateo to show up.
HAPPY!

Pregnancy Is Natural, Normal, Healthy, & Safe

Libby gave me this hypno birthing cd to listen to & it's HILARIOUS! I seriously love it. All these really funny quotes about pregnancy being healthy & normal about my hemoglobin levels being high, my iron levels being high. LOL> It's really fun actually. My plan is to listen to it & come up with great quotes. hahah.

39 WEEKS BABY! Wanna come out & play soon? It's lovely out here... I promise! Loveliest April I've ever seen. But I'm sure when you are ready you will let my body know. I give you one more week in the lap of luxury...

Still have not felt any contractions at this point. Im guessing I might be having them but maybe they are so tiny something that I just don't notice them? Maybe I'll get REALLY lucky & won't be in pain for birth. lol. It's a good try thought right? What I'm hoping for really is that my births are a lot like my moms... under an HOUR! Wouldn't that be nice?

Of course this weekend is Easter as well. I'd be happy with an easter bunny! I dont' think I really do want to give birth on a holiday though... I might get dumb nurses that don't want to be at work & only work occasionally or something? Or maybe it will be opposite & it would be amazing because it would be a much smaller staff so less people to bother me... also maybe everyone would just love an easter treat of a little baby!!!!!! So I guess I gotta stop trying to control things in my sad little head & just rejoice whenever God says & baby says " it's TIME!" Plus it would be pretty amazing to have a baby on the day that God conquered death by resurrecting Jesus bridging a gap for my son to be in His glory! To be redeemed!!!!  What rejoicing that would be. I'd have to pick a middle name that means rejoice or something? So actually that would be pretty cool.

Anywhos here is my still growing body!

Sitting Watching Waiting Wishing

 Sitting Watching Waiting Wishing that this baby would come into my arms soon, get out of my belly & stop giving me stretch marks. Yes it's true- literally overnight I got myself belly marks. I really thought I was gonna be one of the few pregnant ladies that luck out with no marks... but as he dropped down into station 0 this week (his head is engaged for birth!yay) I got some streaks across the lower belly. YUCK>

 Honestly being this whole full term pregnancy isnt' really a big deal at all. It's not bad. I'm not in any type of unbearable pain, I sleep just fine (other than waking up & turning over or going pee every 2 hours- which doesn't bother me) Really the first 16 weeks were WAY WAY WAY WAY worse!!!!!!! His movements are slow deliberate & really strong now- sometimes those hurt pretty bad especially when he moves a leg across under my belly button. Seriously my belly button is SO sensative. OUCH! They are not the pleasant little giggle kicks anymore... haha

The only thing killing me is this darn bed rest & stupid diet. It's making my life hell. If I could be up & about, washing the floors, eating what I liked, purchasing baby items, climbing ladders, going to the gym, taking long walks, getting the nursery ready....Oh gosh I'd give about anything to be riding a bike in this lovely weather too!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anything at all really... well then I'd be perfectly fine with Mateo hanging out in there weeks!

I seriously feel fine except that the more rest I'm on the more exhausted I feel.

So feeling sad for myself & incredibly fat at an extra 50lbs than I've EVER been I will be waddling around doing what I can & hanging out. So I'm really looking forward to having this cutie in my arms & getting back to life. Yes life will be different but I think it's going to be AMAZING! I can't wait.

I'm not nervous about birth. I'm excited actually. I am a little nervous about the ity bity newborn stage... I can't believe they let you leave the hospital with a tiny little human & no instruction manuel... but that is what moms are for (now grandma... right?) haha.

Anyways looking forward to my beautiful birth!

Here is the dreaded photo of my ever growing uterus at 38 weeks! lol.

My Kidneys Don't Like Being 37 Weeks Pregnant

AWWW it's not so bad! I get lots of time to catch up on sleep before Mateo arrives right?
Well here I am about to begin week 38 tomorrow. Today is the last day of 37 weeks. I'm full term & completely safe to deliver at this point. I really can't believe it! So wonderful, exciting, and fun.

 AWWW isn't it just perfect?

After the last post all my swelling went down drastically & I dropped those 3 pounds I gained... meaning it was all water retention. I thought for sure I was good to go... but sadly I went in to see my midwife for test results on monday all giddy & happy & full of energy from my bed rest.... she awarded me with a low sodium- high protein diet & permanent bedrest until baby arrives.

My levels were actually all pretty bad for preclampsia & toxemia but not bad enough to induce.

Apparently my kidneys decided they didn't like being pregnant after 37 weeks & wanted to tell me. So they are currently threatening me & I'm feeding them little salt to process & lots of protein to boost their mood. Also keeping the on low down (although I REALLY can't be expected to lay in bed ALL day).. I do my fair share of desk sitting, bed laying, and couch lounging. I'm really trying my best but for someone as active & energetic as I am it's been REALLY stinking hard to not do the thousand things I want done.

Sadly Libby had to leave me on Monday after my doctors appointment & so I am missing her company desperatly. She did so much to help me when she was here & there couldnt' have been a better time for her to be here. Now I'm lonely & although I have a LOT of  things I could be doing on bedrest such as writing thanks you's for all my fantastic showers, starting a few of my brides albums, updating my website, checking emails, a few client meetings, constant checking of the social medias, blog posts, and much more... bed rest seems to make me lazy & exhausted. lol.
How am I ever going to be ready to push a baby out when I'm not exercising or doing ANY physically exertion whatsoever? Well I guess it's better than toxemia & preclampsia, induction & c-sections... so I'm extremely grateful that I caught this problem before it was too late. Now I can do everything to avoid this.
So everyone keep their prayers out for me to have this baby soon since it's the only cure to my silly body wanting to fail on me.

Rolling In the Deep | Jug-o-pee

All these songs now seem to pertain to pregnancy... lol. This babe is so low in my pelvic that when he moves his head down there I can't help but sing Adele's- rolling in the deep & the Yeah Yeah Yeahs- heads will roll.... on the floor on the floor on the floor. These songs are def on my birthing playlist.

SO swelling reached a high & I was actually getting pretty afraid! I was SOOOO swollen that I couldn't walk. My arches had disappeared, my feet felt so stretched they might pop, my ankles were more than cankles... seriously like I had been stunk by like 18 bees. The alarm in my head went off when I had knelt by the coffeetable for about 10 minutes while eating a snack & when I got up I had HUGE indentations in my legs that then stayed that grooved for over 2 hours. So my skin was not popping back out. Just holding every single mark. The swelling was very much like a marshmellow. The day before was bad but I blew it off because it was hot & I'd been on my feet a lot so I thought it's normal.... but then when it persisted after a good 10 hour nights sleep in the air conditioning & waking to 60 degree weather & it was just getting worse....I knew something was not right at ALL! I looked on-line it appeared that major swelling that held marks (traditionally called pitting) was bad news & sometimes a sign of preeclampsia. Something not to be messed with that was a pregnancy induced issue that made the mothers organs start shutting down!!!!!! So I called my doctor (she was out of the office till monday) but the nurses said to come in & I could see the other doctor if the nurses were alarmed.

About 2:00 Libby took me in & I rolled myself into the office. The nurse checked my weight (quick & excessive weight gain is another symtom-) so totally freaked out I had gained 3 lbs in 2 days!!!!! I had already stopped gaining weight so this was REALLY scary to me. All these water retention! I peed in the cup & got my blood pressure taken. So they found the urine test borderline for preeclampsia & my blood pressure was really high.... of course I was crying though... haha I had a TOTALL breakdown on my poor nurse. Started sobbing about how I didn't want to have a still birth & my baby hadn't been moving a whole ton in the last 24 hours & he usually moves all the time! And I'm scared his heart will stop beating in there.... OH GEEZ. So she assured me it wasn't going to go down like that! She did go get the other doctor because I had all bad signs.... The other doctor(s) by this point there are 3 in the room staring at my GIANT feet, ankles, & legs... So pretty stinking bad they all agreed & immediately put me on strict bedrest. The only signs I was not showing was headaches & a sharp pain in my fight side, or blurry vision. So they wanted another more intensive urine analysis to find out if the protein in my pee was serious or not. SO they promptly sent me home with two giant orange jugs & a little thing for the toilet. Horrified they told me I had to pee in the container & pour it into the jugs for EVERY single pee for 24 hours!!!!!!! and also that the jugs had to be kept in the fridge... hahah.

So when I got home I obeyed. Libby forced the couch rest & I did so ALL day religiously peeing in my jugs... hahah. The rest felt good, I think my stress levels went down & my blood pressure dropped. So all good things. The swelling seemed better by dinner but then just the time I ate dinner they were super puffy again. So I went to bed pretty soon after.

That night Nate did the sweetest thing ever for me too. I was really stressed out about having to walk down my steep stairs like 6 times A night to get the jugs to pee in.... sooooo He waited until I was asleep & stunk out of the house sometimes around midnight to buy several big bags of ice. He cleaned out a cooler from the basement & filled it up with ice. He sat that right outside the bathroom door with my jug-o-pee kept inside. So now it was my own little mini fridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT A MAN! WHAT A HUSBAND! What amazing charectar. Caring for his wife, his child, his self- sacrificial love..... breaks my heart. I think I will tear up every time I think about it the rest of my life. This little act of love runs deep in my heart. Everyone else might think it a little thing but to me...it's the world. I love my husband & I can't believe that God blessed me with him! When I think about it... I fall apart.

FULL TERM WATERMELON

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??????? No..... not that I feel like a watermelon, or that Mateo is the size of a watermelon.... I finish week 36 up in a few days I can't believe I made it. This little watermelon is ready for labor! Any day is fine with us now. He's healthy & safe & completely ready for this world (well is anyone completely ready for this world? lol.

This week was especially fun because my midwife appointments switch to weekly now & I can have her check my progress if I wish. I did wish with this visit... It really doesn't bother me to know- I know some people might get irritated thinking about progression, and such but I was just so curious to know if my body had any idea of what to start preparing for... which amazingly it DOES! I am dilated to about a 1 & 60% effaced!!!!!!!!!!!!! So it's not an indicator of anything other than the fact that my body has been having contractions(which I haven't' felt or known), and it knows exactly what to do!!!!!!! So for me that is incredible! I feel super confident now that my body will know what to do when it's time & the Lord will lead me! I'm ready for the natural childbirth, I'm excited to go drug free, and I'm praying that the water tub helps with pain!

Speaking of watertubs... We did a visit of the hospital this week & I am actually pretty sad about it. Besides feeling pretty old (like a run down nursing home- AND VERY SAD that the new maternity ward has been delayed SOOOOO many times that now it's original January date is pushed back to July- SO LAME) it's also pretty small in the postnatal section & the waterbirth room is a closest... no seriously. I think they stuffed this giant tub into a closet room.... it's super disturbing for me because I'm kinda of claustrophobic & the idea of stuffing me, my doula, my husband, my midwife & maybe a nurse into the TINY room without any windows is actually impossible. So I had prepared myself to check out the other nicer/newer hospital in town.... sadly they only have one tub & it's down for the next 5 weeks. AGGGGG. So my midwife said instead of shutting the door for the closet we will just put up a curtain. No freaking wonder people have births in TP's hahahha. So much more beautiful! lol. Oh well I will survive. I'm going to just stop thinking about it & roll with it. All that is important is that I have a healthy baby in my arms sometime in the next month.

Swelling has reached an all time high this week. My toes are like sausages, my ankles have turned into kanckles, and I've got rolls like a 7 month old baby. hahahhah. I must say I'm looking forward to birth so that I can't drop some water retention already! I'm tired of being a swollen poofball. lol.

Showers of Blessings

Hello Last Month! Hello Libby, Hello Showers, Hello Mateo?

Yes Mateo! "(mah TEH oh) 
We finally picked a NAME! It only took us 35 weeks to do it. But we are sure! So sure that we ordered a onesie with his name & got a cake for the shower with it!!!!! HOW FUN IS THAT? We'll be calling him Teo (Tay-o) for short! Mateo is italian for Matthew & means "Gift of God". This is the same meaning as Nathan! So it's dear to us! We have not decided on a middle name but are taking votes... on mustaches..... 


Here we are springing... or rather waddling into my final month. Finished 35 weeks yesterday starting 36 today! Getting pretty stinking excited but we just realized that we have a lot to do still & only 4 weeks left!!! EEEEK. We gotta wrap up the birth plan, pack a go back, make a music playlist, & get to these rest of showers!

Our first shower yesterday was truly a blessing! Nate plotted & planned me a couples shower & it really couldn't be more wonderful!!!!!!!!!! Sock monkey & mustache themed... of course!

Libby arrived this week all the way from Nebraska to help me finish getting ready for this babe. So far we have worked every single day & she's been such an AMAZING help! We have fixed up the massive pile of shoes downstairs, swept the basement, completely reorganized the bathroom & made space for Mateo's bathroom gifts, also cleaned out my closest scattered with clothes that I can't stuff my ever large & puffy body into anymore. Also we cleared out most of the winter items now that spring/summer has already come to stay (can you believe that??) Nate put the air conditioners in because it reached a heat index of 95 this week!! Holy March!!!!!!!

So on a roll here & still tons to do. We have a few days left to squeeze in some important tasks, such as reorganizing the kitchen to make room for baby things, and cleaning up the random large pile of tools, paints, and other who-knows-whats in the basement. We also need to finish up the nursery and our bedroom. Then I feel pretty set! I'm excited for everything to be prepared & ready for baby B!

Last but least here is my 35 week photo!

GET LOW

Get Low Baby B! We finished up 34 weeks!

So I guess that is what they call "dropped" - everyones all like oh you'll know when he drops... I always thought my gosh hows he gonna get any lower..... he's already low????? But OH he's REALLY LOW now. lol.  I really can't wear any clothes anymore!!!!! Everything is tight tight tight down there! Walking is funny these days, the intense spasms when he lulls his head around down there is really odd ( like I might just pee my pants out of nowhere....I should probably buy some depends... hahah) thanks to all the kegals I've been a good little girl about doing I've only peed my pants twice! LOL> They were both from waiting to long to go potty & then sneezing... HAHAHA. embarrassing.
Seriously a comedian like Brian Regan (but maybe a lady- or him talking from a ladies view) should write a sketch about pregnancy I mean it's really hilariously horrifying...

I can already imagine the jokes cranked out!

From the first trimester loaded with non-stop nausea, constant vomiting, spinning head, super human scents, extreme exhaustion, ravenous hunger & strange cravings that lead to no satisfaction but instead another trip to the toilet (if you can get there in time), you are crying every few minutes (also you have no idea why you are crying) you are peeing every few minutes.....but all the while you prance around giddy & sick as can be because you are just so overjoyed that all this is happening..

then the second trimester filled with the fun rapid weight gain, constant hunger & need of 6 meals a day, back pains, rib pains, round ligament pains, lots of other strange pains, hips that widen as you walk, balance issues, and you still walk around giddy & hopeful of the countdown & enjoying your new maternity clothes & the first miraculous movements inside your ever growing belly......

then you land yourself in the third trimester & you don't recognize your fat bloated body in the mirror any longer, beg people to keep the cameras in the car, you can't remember why you got into the fridge, closet, cupboard for the 30th time in 10 minutes, you drive the wrong direction because you forgot where you were going, you become so indecisive you have 14 returns in one week to target & they probably think you are a crazy lady, the once pleasant & enjoyable kicks suddenly became so hard you screech in pain , you pee your pants when you laugh or sneeze too hard, you can't sleep more than 1 hour at a time, nothing is comfortable anywhere anymore- does comfort exist you wonder & yet again you waddle around laughing at your insanity, your heart beating so hard with joy & anticipation of meeting this little person that you are already so madly in love with that you cry tears of joy daily!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT A JOURNEY! I can't imagine what the next five weeks will bring- but BRING it body, BRING it baby! I'm ready for this roller coaster - I'm not scared of this birth- I'm excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!